I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize