just come out here and I will go home with you...
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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