You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
