farters have to be the big spoon...
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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