i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
