Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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