you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize