I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
