he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize