Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
