time to smoke my breakfast
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
