our cab driver is having phone sex.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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