At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
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