Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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