I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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