Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
