I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
