She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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