Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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