My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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