My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
