Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
