Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
