I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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