so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
