unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
