I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
