i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
