Pants 0. Shit 1.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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