Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Randomize
