I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
