Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
