What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize