Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
