How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
