you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize