I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Just invented taco cereal.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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