He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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