What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
