Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize