6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
