I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
