Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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