he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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