im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize