I got chris browned last night
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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