can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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