Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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