Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
The Olympian is in my bed
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
