Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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