K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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