please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize