Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
