What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
