I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Everyone says I win the strip club
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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