three words: i give head
three words: not that well
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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