Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
