I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
