Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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