If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
