My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
