Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize