I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
