Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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