Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
