Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
