On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
