matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
