My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
It's blow job season.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
